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Point Me to the Miles

Navigating the Path to Great Travel

Monday Travel Funny: Flight Attendant Musings

I came across some legen—wait for it, dary stories of comments flight attendants have made over the PA system. Some of these may be exaggerated, or even fabricated, but it’s more fun to think otherwise!

Jonathan Cohen/Binghamton University

Here are some highlights:

“We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, please contact a member of the flight crew and they will escort you to the wing of the airplane.”

From a Southwest Airlines employee:”Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.” “We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, please contact a member of the flight crew and they will escort you to the wing of the airplane.”

Heard also on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:

“The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump and I know what ya’ll are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendants’ fault…it was the asphalt!”

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with

“Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silent, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement:

“We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways.”
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